masks solving Canadian ugliness problem

The Canadian discussion surrounding whether or not people should be wearing masks has taken an ugly turn after a recent meeting among Canadian leaders.

The meeting, which was held over Zoom on Friday morning, saw nine out of ten Premiers express strong support for Canadians to mask up in order to combat what one of the participants referred to as a “beauty-deficiency crisis” now plaguing Canadians.

“The national population of…let’s call them aesthetically-challenged citizens has seen substantial growth in recent years,” Justin Trudeau said in a post-meeting press conference. “We believe that the immediate adoption of masks for everyone will be a huge help in stopping this unsightly new trend.”

According to several studies – which were conducted by sociologists at the University of Toronto and the University of British Columbia making educated guesses from the solitude of their basements, where they’ve been quarantined for months – the birth rate among Millennials has been steadily dropping in recent years. Now, many experts say we can expect those numbers to rocket back up if nobody can see each other’s faces.

According to a statement from one of the anonymous researchers involved in the studies, “The appearance of the average Canadian citizen is currently acting as the most effective birth control the world has ever seen. We thought that maybe the low levels of reproduction among younger demographics was a result of complex social and economic factors, but nope. Turns out that the vast majority of people in the country just really don’t want to get close to one another.”

Ontario Premier Doug Ford, who brought the issue forward initially, says he got the idea after realizing that his trips to Wal-Mart had become far more visually tolerable after the company’s adoption of a mandatory mask policy.

The news has sparked severe political controversy among certain regions, particularly in the west. When asked how he would rate his province’s prettiness, British Columbia Premier John Horan stated, “Oh, it’s lovely here. Ten out of ten, definitely.” After being reminded that he was being asked about B.C.’s actual residents, Horgan hesitated before replying. “Oh. Well, they’ve got great personalities.”

The statement has received intense backlash, as nearly sixty percent of British Columbians polled said that Horgan’s insulting remark made them almost angry enough to post a half-hearted complaint on social media.

Alberta Premier Jason Kenney was the solitary holdout on the new nationwide recommendation, citing concerns about exacerbating an “already shallow gene pool.”

The leaders in question are not currently responding to public outcry regarding this issue, as their time has been consumed dealing with the as-yet unfounded allegations that none of them were wearing pants during the online meeting.


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