Some Modest Complaints

Dear God,

I`m writing to express some complaints I have concerning your Humans® product line.

Now, in a lot of ways, the products are great: I’ve found that they can be programmed to automatically clean up messes, give massages, and cook meals. Most recently, I learned how to make them pour some sugar on me (which, needless to say, has completely changed my life).

There are, however, some major kinks that tarnish the overall experience, which I`d like to address. First, let`s get the obvious out of the way: this product has been in desperate need of a mute button for quite some time. I, among with many others, have found that the devices emit quite a bit of unwanted noise, particularly when they`re brand new.  I feel it is my responsibility to warn you that if you continue to ignore this issue, the market for your product may greatly diminish in the coming years. As I understand it, the growing popularity of the Kitten™ brand has already been chipping away at your popularity ratings.

Secondly, the user interface on your devices seems far too complex for the average end-user. In particular, for some reason, the devices don’t seem to respond to the same commands: just the other day I told one to fetch me a drink, and it turned on the TV instead, even though the exact same command worked great on the Humans® at the bar. This inconsistency obviously makes it very difficult to get any of my Humans® to do what I want. I don`t know how soon these glitches might conceivably be fixed, but in the meantime, perhaps releasing a comprehensive user`s manual would help.

Third, I’ve noticed that it`s very hard to get the devices to sync with one another. All the data transfers I’ve attempted have been remarkably slow and resulted in a great deal of memory leakage, and trying to get multiple devices to simultaneously perform just makes them interfere with one another and subsequently disconnect from the network. Please, I beg you to address these network issues; I don`t have the RAM to deal with this.

On a similar note, lately, the Humans® I’ve worked with have developed a tendency to become unresponsive when in close proximity to other electronics. This is especially true of the newer Millennial edition, but the issue has also inexplicably spread to a large portion of the older models. Unfortunately, in my experience, forcibly rebooting the affected Humans® has invariably caused them to stop responding to my commands altogether.

My final complaint is relatively minor, but still vexing: you see, when I first started using Humans®, the Query function was an incredibly useful and efficient way to search for and access data on a specific device. But now whenever I use this function I just get redirected to Google. Is that supposed to happen?

I hoped you take this in a constructive spirit. My intention, of course, is not to be mean or vindictive; I only wish to see Humans® continue to improve. However, if some of these more damaging problems persist, I may be forced to stop using the devices altogether. I`m already considering switching to Android.


A Concerned Customer

P.S. I heard a rumour that all of your products are going to be recalled at some point in the future. Is this true?

P.P.S. It`s also come to my attention that many Humans® don`t come with the Common Sense© app preinstalled, and are incompatible with available downloads. Perhaps this could be patched?


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